Turkmenistan Scores Big

by Nathan Hamm on 4/16/2004

Congratulations to Saparmurat Niyazov (you can call him Turkmenbashi) for making it into Something Awful today.

For a time, Ghana’s president John Agyekum Kufuor presided over the court of my heart as my greatest and most esteemed hero. After being elected president the honorable mister Kufour addressed his people on the state of Ghana for 100 days. This incredible feat of oratory is, to the best of my knowledge, still unmatched by any statesman or crazy hobo screaming on a street corner. With his passionate words and insatiable lust to hear his own voice, John Kufuor was catapulted to the top of a short list of people I regard as nearly perfect. No more.

Yesterday, while reading various random newspapers from overseas, I happened upon an article about Saparmurat Niyazov, the dictator of Turkmenistan. Great Dictator Niyazov does not have the proud democratic heritage of president Kufour, but he does have a lot of ideas. New ideas. Better ideas. By the time I had finished reading the article the grim contest of my allegiance had been decided; John Agyekum Kufour was yesterday’s news. Saparmurat Niyazov was the man for me.

Other gems:

“skate or die in the name of Saparmurat Turkmenbasi”

“I began to read the Ruhnama, and much to my the opposite of surprise it was completely overflowing with insanity; more madness than even the Bible or Dianetics. Truly Saparmurat Turkmenbasi is a breed apart from us all, as his mind seems to delve into dimensions wholly alien to we mere mortals.”

“Individuality leads to Hot Topic, Hot Topic leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and suffering leads to semi-reality. If enlightenment is really what you’re after you will find all of your needs met at the Rahnama.com shop. T-shirts only $17.99. Escape from semi-reality free!”

The pictures are priceless.

Judging from the Technorati profile of the story in question compared to that of Something Awful, I’d say the latter will draw many more readers’ attention.

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This post was written by...

– author of 2991 posts on 17_PersonNotFound.

Nathan is the founder and Principal Analyst for Registan, which he launched in 2003. He was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Uzbekistan 2000-2001 and received his MA in Central Asian Studies from the University of Washington in 2007. Since 2007, he has worked full-time as an analyst, consulting with private and government clients on Central Asian affairs, specializing in how socio-cultural and political factors shape risks and opportunities and how organizations can adjust their strategic and operational plans to account for these variables. More information on Registan's services can be found here, and Nathan can be contacted via Twitter or email.

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